Here you can take a little look inside my brain. Trigger warning, I'm like ridiculously mentally ill, and have frequent suicidal ideation :)
Okay, so yesterday and today I had the worst fucking migrain. I wanted to work on school/ on my website some more, but my body simply refused. It's 23:45 now, and I'm hella eepers, so I will go to sleep in a little. But I still wanted to do SOMETHING.
Anyways, i've barely done anything today. Except sleep. So tomorrow I'll have to speedrun. I'm also finally gonna start my physicall art for my exams. Tomorrow I will start with talking to my dad to see what I'll need for my idea. (bugs made of alluminium bars with screens somewhere, that communicate with eachother). And I hope it'll look cool or something. It's a creative interpretation of AI. But I'm not sure yet what exactly I want to convey with this idea.
I'm aware this all sounds hella vague, but that is because it's also hella vague to me.
Hello, I am very eepers today. In a few hours I have a driving lesson, so I hope I'll be more present by then. My stomach still hurts :(
I did survive the driving lesson, which is good. And a friend I haven't heard from in 2 months finally texted me again. (they somethimes stop responding for months at end) so that's good. I really want to shift tonight. I know I should post that on my shifting page, but whatever. Like, I don't want this life today. Even though it definitally could be worse, and today was a pretty mild day. I mean, I'm not exactly wildly suicidal today. But it could definitally be better. And I still want to cut myself. But I can't because I still have homework to do. Which is gonna take me a while.
I think I'm going to do homework first, and if I have energy left I'll cut. Just as a reward for being productive-ish today. And to help me get through tomorrow. But if I don't have energy (which is very likely) then I'll just put on a subliminal and try to shift. Cause holy damn am I tired of my CR at the moment. I'm tired in general. Like I'm actually drooling behind my laptop right now.
I PLEAD THE 5TH!!
What does that mean again?
Anyway. What you are about to read can easily be excused as the mad ramblings of someone who hasn't slept. Any dumbassery is therefor exused. This is how it works. I don't make the rules.
Anyways. My alarm went, And I hadn't slept all night. So I turned it off, and decided to ponder my life choices for a moment. But then I FELL ASLEEP. (god hates me).
Anyways, I slept for like 30 minutes. but that meant I had 20 minutes to get ready for school. so I quickly got dressed. And made myself a sandwich. I didn't manage to finish it before I had to run for my bus. So I packed it for later.
Ran for my bus. It's fucking freezing outside. Fun. i'm wearing pjama pants, because my only normal pants are in the wash, becausd of the period accident from yesterday.
I arrive for the bus. and want to cross the bike lane, but there is an old lady biking towards me. Okay. fine. She is still 5 meters (+-15feet) away from me, I can cross quickly. Easy peasy.
NOT
I cross the street. The lady gets spooked, but I manage to get across. The lady however, decided to cuss me out. Cause why not.
Excuse me madam. But you're not Max Verstappen. You're not an F1 Racer. Calm your tits. I could easily cross the street.
Anyways, people in the bus stare at me. And the people in the cue to enter the bus give me stink eyes. I greet the bus driver. He ignores me. Okay. Call me sensitive, but my feelings are hurt.
I arrive at the train station. My train is cancelled. I'll have to wait 20 minutes in the cold for the next train to arrive. So... I wait. The next train arrives, and then BAM it's full. I can't enter. I'll have to waut another 15 minutes. Great...
You wait there in the cold, and decide to update your diary via your phone. cold hands be damned, and suddently get texted by your mom.
You inherited some money last year from your grandpa dying. So your parents build some sun-energy thingies for it. for on the roof of your house, to safe money. 10K. Auch. but it'll pay off. Right?
WRONG!!
The government decides to lower the amount of money sun energy makes. So now you'l have to pay 1000 euro's a year more for electricity!!!! YAY!!! FUCKING KILL ME!! :DDDDD
And to top it all off, the next fucking train... the one you waited over 30 minutes for. Is also full. And you're standing in it, like fish in a sardine tin. This might actually be my 13th reason.
I am going to commit murder.
I want you to imagine. You're sitting at school, casually procrastinating on doing your coursework and talking to yer teachers. As one does. And then BAM pain. It feels like someone is pounding on your lower tummy. Wanting to kill you. Kicking and hitting, and then they grab the baseball bat. Just for some extra damage.
You do your best to act normal, trying not to break out in sweat as you go through what you think are the worst cramps of your life. (you say that every month). And then you realise, shit. You are on your period. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. But, you are wearing boxer shorts, so you can't put on a pad. As the wings can't wrap around the little leg parts. So, you have to make do, and wap a shit ton of toilet paper around your boxershorts.
You pull down your pants, to assess the damage. It won't be that much right? It's the first day, that is usually just tissue right? Not that much blood. Right?
WRONG
It's a fucking crime scene down there. Somehow, your uterus skipped the tissue stage, and went straight to the bright red blood. Everything is covered. From the very front to the back. The niagara falls of DEATH. Thank god you are wearing black pants. You however, choose to test to see if you did in fact bleed through. Pressing a tissue to your pants. And... jup. It came back red. Fuck my life.
You do what you must to make a tissue pad. You refuse to use tampons, and curse whomever made those torture devices. You then pull up your pants, and go back to the classroom. Then when you pull back your WHITE chair. You notice something. A big red stain. Right in the middle. A make shift japanese flag. Time to move I guess... Great...
And now, you are sitting back in the classroom. Writing in your little digital diary, in pain, and frustrated beyond believe. You have about an hour of school left, and then 2 more hours of traveling back home by train. HOWEVER!! Then you remember the railway was broken on the track to your home, so you'll have to travel around it. Adding another hour of travel. Great. so... You are doomed, to spend 4 more hours, with uncomfortable paper towels stuck between your legs. With a tummy ache. And you just wanna curl up in bed and cry.
Ah the wonders of being a fertile person with a uterus.
If you cannot tell, I hate my period. As every uterus haver does. It sucks. It makes me sad. It makes me be in pain. And it makes me wanna commit a mass murder. Mostly on men. If there is a god. He is a cruel cruel guy. No woman would think, "ah yes, let's make the humans bleed once a month." asshole.
I am going to commit murder. And god will be my first victim.
Okay, a little update, I ate some dinner, and some chocolate, and a bit of ice-cream. And I feel a little better now. (yes, I binge when I'm upset, and yes, I'll probably want to kms because of it in an hour or two, sue me.) Anyways, I still have the urge to cut. And I kinda regret not doing so yesterday. I did however finish my novel today, so that's good I suppose!
Greetings and salutations earthlings. And welcome to my diary. It feels weird to write as this is the first thing I'm adding to my website. But I just have some things to get off my chest. It also feels hella weird to write this as my sister has the name of my website. (although I doubt she'll check it) and my best friend as well. I don't know. Just feels weird. Anyways. I made this website today. (or well, I editted it for the first time after doing the tutorial). Okay this is all very boring, so let me get into the real tea.
Alright so, today was a HORRIBLE day. I can't really explain it? I think I might have like, bipolar or something. As I get these periods of random ass lows? I've been getting them on and off since I was like... I don't know... 8 ish? I think? I don't know. The last really noticable one was from september to the start of december. I remember that, as I tore my arm to shreds during that time. But since then I've been having lows. And I think I might be in one now? Like there were signs before. Like constant fatigue, and lack of joy/ interest in life. but what really is a sign for me is when I want to/ plan on SH-ing. It feels weird to admit this to the internet where people can actually read my thoughts, but yeah. I don't know. I really really fucking want to.
Also, I've been thinking about the future a lot. And fucking hell the world is going to shit. Like in my country, there is a draft. And although it isn't active right now, in times of war it will be active again. And I was born as a woman, and in our country women will also be called upon in the draft. Me no no wanna. Also also, there is a housing crisis. So the chances of getting a house are really small. And I'm manifesting I'll get rich when I'm older. (i'm manifesting to become a famous author and get rich) but like, still... I'm worried. I'm in my final year of school right now, and have exams in june. And I'm terrified. Both to fail, because I don't have the money to support another schoolyear, but also to pass my exams and having to work. I'm studying to become an art teacher, and I... well I like it, that's not the problem. But I don't have good energy levels. Right now, I have 3 schooldays a week. And that is enough to make me wildly suicidal. Like I'm so fucking tired. All the time. And I'm noticing I'm getting at the point where I'm getting snappy at the people around me? Which makes me feel like even worse of a person. Like how dare I?? why am I like this? Like I'm the scum of the earth for snapping at people who just want me to do a basic chore, and gods... It makes me wanna cut myself to shreds...
I don't know. I'm just tired I guess. But when am I not LMAO.
Update, it's now a few hours later. I worked on my website quite a bit, and I am now writing the second to last chapter of my book. However it's quite late already. And if I want to cut I'll have to do it soon. I'm no longer as sad as I was earlier today. (probably cause I kept busy) I am however angry once more at my mum. I was very happy I could semi sleep in tomorrow as my morning class has been cancelled, so I no longer have to take the bus at 7 am. However, first thing she says is that I have to do the dishes tomorrow morning. Like cheers. And I know. Damn, first world problem. But ugh. Anyways. One positive, I do have enough rage in my body to cut. I just need to figure out if I want to do that or if I want to continue working on my book...