Welcome to my diary

I go to artschool right? It's quite a small school, we have a lot of interdisciplinary lessons etc, so everyone knows everyone. A 2nd year of my wing killed themselves. We lituarly just got told about it. However, I don't think I know them. They were 23, 2 years older then me.

I don't quite know what to do with this information? I'm on my period, and I'm running on 3 hours of sleep. I don't feel good in general, and this doesn't help? A small selfish little part of me is jealous of them. Not jealous that they're dead, but jealous they have the balls to try? I don't know. I have tried before. I didn't succeed. obviously. But a part of me is like, they succeeded. Why didn't I. Like, I am also mentally ill, and quite frankly, I feel invalid. Why? I didn't kill myself.

Isn't that insane?

Like, I can't be feeling that bad, as I am not actively trying to kill myself right now. So I am making it up. that is how it works.

and I feel so fucking guilty for like, thinking like this. Like, someone killed themselves, and here I am, talking about myself, and how I'm sad. Like hello?? It's not about me right now.

I really. REALLY wanna cut myself rn. I can't handle this.

I'm so busy with school it's insane. Like it's causing my nervous system to be so fucking tense. Like my vegus nerve (that's what it's called right?), the big nerve around your heart, it feels like there is constant tention there. Like my heart feels tight, if that makes sense. It's horrible. Anyways, I'm working in "groen licht" it's a last checkup moment before the exam. And since I go to art school, it's art that needs to get green lighted. As well as the theory behind my artwork. (which is AI ethics) And although it's fun, it's also stressfull, as I still have so much to do. And I have no idea how to speed things up. And I'm really scared I'll get like, really philosophical questions about my art, and won't be able to awnser.

On a more positive note, I keep getting random ass compliments on my personality? Like, often times people come to me to cry, and I was hella confused by that, and I was discussing that with a classmate of mine, and apparently, our atletier group has been discussing who is the best person to cry to, and that person was me? Apparently people feel safe around me? Very flattering, but I'm so confused as I have no idea how to comfort people. The best thing I can offer you are sweet nothings, like "oh baby" or "oh darling [boy/girl] I know... I know..." Or like "it'll all be alright, I promise you. It's okay. You're gonna be okay." and stuff like that. Like how do people think that's like... the most comforting thing??

Also apparently teachers keep talking to my homeroom teacher about me and my work? And I'm a good student or something?? I don't know how they think that? I do the bare minimum. And I'm not as smart as some other students. I feel like such an impostor. Like, I just go through life as a Jellyfish. No brain, just excisting, and going with the flow.

Another teacher was also really kind to me today. Mario. He asked how I was, and I was like "I'm so fucking tired". Sleep has been suffering under my constant studying. And he looked at me with such compassion, and he was just really kind about it, and told me to take it easy and stuff. And I was like "it'll be fine. Just gotta get through this, and then I'll sleep. I'll be alright." because that is my motto. Just keep swimming, you know? And he just looked at me and said "I know you're a really optimistic person, but that doesn't mean you can't also be tired." And I just felt so seen, as I tend to say "it's gonna be fine" not because I believe it, but because I want other people to believe it. To trust me. To trust I can handle this. But him just being so caring made me feel so seen.

This and all the other kindness (mostly my homeroom teacher Birgit) really triggered my parental issues, cause they saw me. And it was so fucking nice? Like It felt like feeling the sun for the first time in a while after a cold winter, or like, after a partcularly long night. But after the moment was done, reality came crashing back and I just wanted to jump of a building. Cause like, they are just fleeting moments of relief. Of care, of being seen. Only to go straight back into the mold you've been pushed into. And that hurts? Like a broken little part of me that got hurt as a kid, just roared it's angry head, and screamed at me to ask for like, a hug, or just a bit more love. Just a bit more. Maybe then the pain will stop? Trauma is weird like that I guess. But holy shit. Emotions are complicated.

Anyways, it's 19:00 now. I'm gonna work on my "groen licht" for a while longer and then make the communion(this the right word?) home. I'll have to travel 2 hours before I'm home, so I wanna take the train of 20:15, so I need to leave school at 19:45. And then when I'm home I'll shower, and then quickly edit a few video's and then sleep.

TO DO:

Shower

Make main video

Make non main video's

Pack bag for tomorrow

Does anyone else genuinely not care when they relapse? Like, whenever I'm about to relapse in SH I feel nervous. The first cut is always the scariest. But then you get into the flow, and it starts to hurt less, and it's so... rewarding in a way? Like the cut itself fucking sucks. That shit fucking hurts. But then, when it's done, I feel weirdly proud of myself. It's like a "I did it. it's over. I can rest now." and I feel so at peace? And yes, it is annoying when you slit your thigh, and you have to pee, but you have to wait till your wounds are closed enough to pull up your pants, and then innevitable bleed through them anyways when you go to pull up your pants to piss cause you can't hold it in. But still... It's so fucking calming. Maybe I'm just insane though. I don't know.

I'm the same with my scars. Whenever I cut, I cut at least deep enough for it to scar. Cause otherwise it'll just hurt, and what is the point in that. Then there is no proof of my pain, you know? And like, yes, I do often regret my scars. Aespecially when I'm in a beter mindspace and I just wanna go through life without everyone seeing I struggled/ getting uncomfortable questions. But at the same time, I fucking love my scars so much. I hate the way they look. They are not big enough. But mentally, I love them. It's like a "oh baby what have you done to yourself." but then from me to me? I don't know if I'm making much sense.

I realise I have a lot of trouble explaining myself. I don't quite have the right words for explaining myself. Whenever I try there are these very specific feelings I feel, but they don't show up other then when I think of this. So I don't have words for them. It's really complicated. Which is probably why I hate everything I write, because nothing I write feels quite... right.

I am a Jellyfish. or well... I was. I can't really explain it, but I'll try. Basically, I just had a driving lesson. And it went horrible. Like I woke up, and I wasn't really, aware of anything. Like I was just going through the motions on automatic pilot. Which isn't good when you have a driving lesson sceduled. So when I stepped into the car, I was there physically, but mentally I was floating in the sea. I wasn't thinking. I just... did. Which isn't good when you're behind the wheel. Gotta love dissociative disorders right? I've noticed a pattern. Whenever I have driving lessons in the morning, they go horrible. And I don't know wether that is because I am just... empty during the morning hours. So heavily dissociated that I don't really register much. (this is likely) or because it is because there is another alter present which I am not aware of. But yeah, mornings I'm a Jellyfish. Already my memories are dissapearing. Like I only remember small "screenshots" of this morning, and feeling horribly embarrassed because my lip quivered because my driving instructor started screaming at me.

But that is all.

Also, hi. if you didn't know yet, I have a dissociative disorder. And have multiple people living in my head. Although lately they have been rather quiet. But that is because I am so heavily dissociated most of the time that I just don't register anything. Or maybe I'm just making shit up, and don't really have a dissociative disorder. Maybe I just pretended, so I wouldn't be so alone. That could be. Who knows.

is one supposed to understand what is going on in their brain? Because I sure as hell don't.

I do kind of miss my brain people? Because it has been really quiet like I said. But then when I think this, I also feel like... A presence? Like someone else is there yelling at me to shut the fuck up, and that I need to stop doubting myself. Which is nice. It's familiar. But at the same time, the likelyhood my brain is just making it up to comfort me is big. So it doesn't really mean anything.

Once again in my perpetual state of tiredness. Once more wanting to cut the shit out of myself. I have no reason why. I didn't even have a particularly bad day or anything. I just feel... melodramatic I guess. It's not the same kind of itch as a few days ago when I was on my period. it isn't a "I'm sad I wanna cut myself". It's a "there is something inheritently wrong inside of me, and I want to cut to find it." I think? I just... That's not really acurate. I want to match my outside, to my inside. I wanna shock people with my body. I want people to look at me and think "oh sweet child, what have you done to yourself." I want people to take care of me. To love me. I want the love I didn't get as a child. I want a childhood. I want protection. I wanna feel small and safe. I want people to pity me. To treat me with such utter softness.

Not sure if I'm making sense. But my brain is still very liquid-y. Very hazy. Not sure why. Just a bad day lucidity wise. (I didn't take anything, just my brain being fuzzy).

Holy shit, the more time passes the more I really wanna take a knife to my skin. But at the same time, I'm so fucking tired, so the chance that I actually will do this is small. But still- It's maddening. I'm going mad. Absolute bonkers. Banana's even.

Right, so, I added a new page today, this one and well, long story short, I need to loose weight. Cause I am unhappy, and have no pants. So there is that. I am very tired as well. But that is unrelated. I realised that I think I'm very undesirable. And I also realised I feel more desirable when I am skinnier? But not just that, but I am also way more ballsy when I'm skinnier, and actually allow myself to flirt with people. Which I do jokingly now as well, but never seriously.

People treat you better when you are skinnier. Tnis sucks, but it is fact. I really really need to loose weight again, because yeah. I know this diary entry kinda sucks, but that is cause my brain is just very scrambled today. Maybe I'll explain myself better another day.

Okay, so yesterday and today I had the worst fucking migrain. I wanted to work on school/ on my website some more, but my body simply refused. It's 23:45 now, and I'm hella eepers, so I will go to sleep in a little. But I still wanted to do SOMETHING.

Anyways, i've barely done anything today. Except sleep. So tomorrow I'll have to speedrun. I'm also finally gonna start my physicall art for my exams. Tomorrow I will start with talking to my dad to see what I'll need for my idea. (bugs made of alluminium bars with screens somewhere, that communicate with eachother). And I hope it'll look cool or something. It's a creative interpretation of AI. But I'm not sure yet what exactly I want to convey with this idea.

I'm aware this all sounds hella vague, but that is because it's also hella vague to me.

Hello, I am very eepers today. In a few hours I have a driving lesson, so I hope I'll be more present by then. My stomach still hurts :(

I did survive the driving lesson, which is good. And a friend I haven't heard from in 2 months finally texted me again. (they somethimes stop responding for months at end) so that's good. I really want to shift tonight. I know I should post that on my shifting page, but whatever. Like, I don't want this life today. Even though it definitally could be worse, and today was a pretty mild day. I mean, I'm not exactly wildly suicidal today. But it could definitally be better. And I still want to cut myself. But I can't because I still have homework to do. Which is gonna take me a while.

I think I'm going to do homework first, and if I have energy left I'll cut. Just as a reward for being productive-ish today. And to help me get through tomorrow. But if I don't have energy (which is very likely) then I'll just put on a subliminal and try to shift. Cause holy damn am I tired of my CR at the moment. I'm tired in general. Like I'm actually drooling behind my laptop right now.

I PLEAD THE 5TH!!

What does that mean again?

Anyway. What you are about to read can easily be excused as the mad ramblings of someone who hasn't slept. Any dumbassery is therefor exused. This is how it works. I don't make the rules.

Anyways. My alarm went, And I hadn't slept all night. So I turned it off, and decided to ponder my life choices for a moment. But then I FELL ASLEEP. (god hates me).

Anyways, I slept for like 30 minutes. but that meant I had 20 minutes to get ready for school. so I quickly got dressed. And made myself a sandwich. I didn't manage to finish it before I had to run for my bus. So I packed it for later.

Ran for my bus. It's fucking freezing outside. Fun. i'm wearing pjama pants, because my only normal pants are in the wash, becausd of the period accident from yesterday.

I arrive for the bus. and want to cross the bike lane, but there is an old lady biking towards me. Okay. fine. She is still 5 meters (+-15feet) away from me, I can cross quickly. Easy peasy.

NOT

I cross the street. The lady gets spooked, but I manage to get across. The lady however, decided to cuss me out. Cause why not.

Excuse me madam. But you're not Max Verstappen. You're not an F1 Racer. Calm your tits. I could easily cross the street.

Anyways, people in the bus stare at me. And the people in the cue to enter the bus give me stink eyes. I greet the bus driver. He ignores me. Okay. Call me sensitive, but my feelings are hurt.

I arrive at the train station. My train is cancelled. I'll have to wait 20 minutes in the cold for the next train to arrive. So... I wait. The next train arrives, and then BAM it's full. I can't enter. I'll have to waut another 15 minutes. Great...

You wait there in the cold, and decide to update your diary via your phone. cold hands be damned, and suddently get texted by your mom.

You inherited some money last year from your grandpa dying. So your parents build some sun-energy thingies for it. for on the roof of your house, to safe money. 10K. Auch. but it'll pay off. Right?

WRONG!!

The government decides to lower the amount of money sun energy makes. So now you'l have to pay 1000 euro's a year more for electricity!!!! YAY!!! FUCKING KILL ME!! :DDDDD

And to top it all off, the next fucking train... the one you waited over 30 minutes for. Is also full. And you're standing in it, like fish in a sardine tin. This might actually be my 13th reason.

I am going to commit murder.

I want you to imagine. You're sitting at school, casually procrastinating on doing your coursework and talking to yer teachers. As one does. And then BAM pain. It feels like someone is pounding on your lower tummy. Wanting to kill you. Kicking and hitting, and then they grab the baseball bat. Just for some extra damage.

You do your best to act normal, trying not to break out in sweat as you go through what you think are the worst cramps of your life. (you say that every month). And then you realise, shit. You are on your period. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. But, you are wearing boxer shorts, so you can't put on a pad. As the wings can't wrap around the little leg parts. So, you have to make do, and wap a shit ton of toilet paper around your boxershorts.

You pull down your pants, to assess the damage. It won't be that much right? It's the first day, that is usually just tissue right? Not that much blood. Right?

WRONG

It's a fucking crime scene down there. Somehow, your uterus skipped the tissue stage, and went straight to the bright red blood. Everything is covered. From the very front to the back. The niagara falls of DEATH. Thank god you are wearing black pants. You however, choose to test to see if you did in fact bleed through. Pressing a tissue to your pants. And... jup. It came back red. Fuck my life.

You do what you must to make a tissue pad. You refuse to use tampons, and curse whomever made those torture devices. You then pull up your pants, and go back to the classroom. Then when you pull back your WHITE chair. You notice something. A big red stain. Right in the middle. A make shift japanese flag. Time to move I guess... Great...

And now, you are sitting back in the classroom. Writing in your little digital diary, in pain, and frustrated beyond believe. You have about an hour of school left, and then 2 more hours of traveling back home by train. HOWEVER!! Then you remember the railway was broken on the track to your home, so you'll have to travel around it. Adding another hour of travel. Great. so... You are doomed, to spend 4 more hours, with uncomfortable paper towels stuck between your legs. With a tummy ache. And you just wanna curl up in bed and cry.

Ah the wonders of being a fertile person with a uterus.

If you cannot tell, I hate my period. As every uterus haver does. It sucks. It makes me sad. It makes me be in pain. And it makes me wanna commit a mass murder. Mostly on men. If there is a god. He is a cruel cruel guy. No woman would think, "ah yes, let's make the humans bleed once a month." asshole.

I am going to commit murder. And god will be my first victim.

Okay, a little update, I ate some dinner, and some chocolate, and a bit of ice-cream. And I feel a little better now. (yes, I binge when I'm upset, and yes, I'll probably want to kms because of it in an hour or two, sue me.) Anyways, I still have the urge to cut. And I kinda regret not doing so yesterday. I did however finish my novel today, so that's good I suppose!

Greetings and salutations earthlings. And welcome to my diary. It feels weird to write as this is the first thing I'm adding to my website. But I just have some things to get off my chest. It also feels hella weird to write this as my sister has the name of my website. (although I doubt she'll check it) and my best friend as well. I don't know. Just feels weird. Anyways. I made this website today. (or well, I editted it for the first time after doing the tutorial). Okay this is all very boring, so let me get into the real tea.

Alright so, today was a HORRIBLE day. I can't really explain it? I think I might have like, bipolar or something. As I get these periods of random ass lows? I've been getting them on and off since I was like... I don't know... 8 ish? I think? I don't know. The last really noticable one was from september to the start of december. I remember that, as I tore my arm to shreds during that time. But since then I've been having lows. And I think I might be in one now? Like there were signs before. Like constant fatigue, and lack of joy/ interest in life. but what really is a sign for me is when I want to/ plan on SH-ing. It feels weird to admit this to the internet where people can actually read my thoughts, but yeah. I don't know. I really really fucking want to.

Also, I've been thinking about the future a lot. And fucking hell the world is going to shit. Like in my country, there is a draft. And although it isn't active right now, in times of war it will be active again. And I was born as a woman, and in our country women will also be called upon in the draft. Me no no wanna. Also also, there is a housing crisis. So the chances of getting a house are really small. And I'm manifesting I'll get rich when I'm older. (i'm manifesting to become a famous author and get rich) but like, still... I'm worried. I'm in my final year of school right now, and have exams in june. And I'm terrified. Both to fail, because I don't have the money to support another schoolyear, but also to pass my exams and having to work. I'm studying to become an art teacher, and I... well I like it, that's not the problem. But I don't have good energy levels. Right now, I have 3 schooldays a week. And that is enough to make me wildly suicidal. Like I'm so fucking tired. All the time. And I'm noticing I'm getting at the point where I'm getting snappy at the people around me? Which makes me feel like even worse of a person. Like how dare I?? why am I like this? Like I'm the scum of the earth for snapping at people who just want me to do a basic chore, and gods... It makes me wanna cut myself to shreds...

I don't know. I'm just tired I guess. But when am I not LMAO.

Update, it's now a few hours later. I worked on my website quite a bit, and I am now writing the second to last chapter of my book. However it's quite late already. And if I want to cut I'll have to do it soon. I'm no longer as sad as I was earlier today. (probably cause I kept busy) I am however angry once more at my mum. I was very happy I could semi sleep in tomorrow as my morning class has been cancelled, so I no longer have to take the bus at 7 am. However, first thing she says is that I have to do the dishes tomorrow morning. Like cheers. And I know. Damn, first world problem. But ugh. Anyways. One positive, I do have enough rage in my body to cut. I just need to figure out if I want to do that or if I want to continue working on my book...